SAFETY FIRST

IT IS NEVER OK TO LEAVE A DOG AND A CHILD UNATTENDED TOGETHER. EVER. CHILDREN ACT IN SPONTANEOUS AND SPORATIC WAYS, THEY HAVE NO SENSE OF BOUNDARIES; THEY MAKE NOISES AND GRAB HOLD OF BODY PARTS, OFTEN PULLING RATHER HARD. IF AN ADULT IS NOT AROUND TO HELP THE CHILD LEARN APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR WITH THE DOG, OR TO HELP THE DOG FEEL SAFE AND SECURE, WE ARE SETTING THE STAGE FOR BITES WHICH CAN BE SEVERE. SO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE OR TRUST THE DOG, NEVER LEAVE THE DOG ALONE WITH A CHILD BECAUSE WE CANNOT TRUST THE CHILD TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO BEHAVE.

BOWSER WASN'T CONSULTED

Bowser has been your "child" since the day he arrived. You love him, cuddle him, dote on him... he's the center of the world and has been for quite a while. Everyone is happy with this arrangement, especially Bowser. But.... you're expecting a baby now and you want to make the transition from "only dog" to "big brother" as smooth as possible.

The first thing to do is to recognize that Bowser was not consulted about this massive change that's about to occur. No one said, "Hey, Bowser, what do you think about the idea of bringing home a helpless little being that smells funny, cries, poops and will take pretty much all of my time, leaving virtually nothing left for you?" And if we did actually say that to Bowser, what do you think his response would be? I doubt he'd say, "Sure! You go ahead and do that. As long as the back door is opened a couple times per day and there's food in my bowl, I don't need any actual attention. I don't need love and play and cuddle. I don't mind being pushed out of the room all the time, watching from the doorway as everyone comes over and dotes on the new ‘little bundle of....’ "

While this may sound a bit melodramatic, it's important to recognize how the world is going to change for Bowser. You're going to be exhausted (Mom and Dad), which means you're going to be irritable and also so overwhelmed with love and fear of doing the "wrong" thing that you won't know which way is up. You will be all consumed with taking care of baby (and eventually going back to work) and you really won't have time for Bowser like you used to. And you will be telling Bowser "no" a lot more and shooing him away from places so that there's room for baby. Put yourself in Bowser's position - all of these not so pleasant things started right when that little creature moved in. Bad creature..... and then Bowser comes to resent baby.

WHAT WE CAN DO TO HELP

But, there are some basic things you can do to help Bowser prepare for this major change in the family dynamic; that will make the newcomer a pleasant addition to Bowser's world rather than a thorn in his side.

Preparation is key. You will want to start early - the earlier the better, but even if you're just a week away from delivery, you can still do some things to help. Talking to Bowser and explaining to him what's about to happen is clearly not going to work. What will work, though, is practicing. Getting the baby gear together and practicing with it so that Bowser has a chance to get used to as many of the changes as possible before the really huge change arrives.

Get the nursery set up ASAP and let Bowser spend time investigating the space. Let him sniff the crib and the Diaper Genie. Let him smell the stuffed animals (but don't allow him to take the toys in his mouth). Sprinkle some baby powder on the changing table and let him sniff it. Get the stroller out and let him investigate it while it's perfectly still and then when he's clearly comfortable with it, slowly roll it around a bit so he can get used to how it moves, what its turning radius is, etc. Let him thoroughly investigate the car seat and high chair, the bassinet, the receiving blanket, etc, etc, etc.

Now, here’s where the fun begins. You will probably feel a little goofy doing the next steps, but KNOW that you are educating Bowser and helping him be as comfortable with all things ‘baby’ as he can be without actually meeting baby…

Invest in a life-like baby doll - realistic in size. Put some (as my 2-year-old nephew says) "butt cream" on the doll, a diaper and a onsie. Let Bowser sniff and investigate this so long as he's calm about it. Encourage him and praise his calm interest. If he gets over stimulated, move the doll away while you tell Bowser, "Calm" or "Easy" or "Gentle" or "Settle" or whatever word feels right to you and your family. Wait for Bowser to calm himself and then offer him another chance to 'meet' the baby doll.

You'll also want to invest in a CD of baby noises and some lullabies to help Bowser become accustomed to the various noises that babies make (some cute, many very annoying when left unchecked...). I'm sure there are multiple options out there, but the one I found recently is called Preparing Fido and seems to be a good compilation of appropriate vocalizations. http://www.preparingfido.com/

Get the baby monitors set up and here's where the fun begins....

Carry the baby doll around with you frequently and gently create boundaries when baby is in your arm – Bowser is not allowed to jump, he’s not allowed to climb in your lap, he’s not allowed to be overly nosy, etc. Have the doll in the baby seat, in a bassinet, wherever you expect to have baby a lot. Have the boom box in the same room as the doll and at least 4 times per day you'll turn on the CD and let it run for a while. Make sure that at least 50% of the time Bowser is NOT in the room when the noise starts. Also make sure that at least 30% of the time he IS in the room. We are trying to teach Bowser that the noise comes from the baby (hence the CD plays in the same room as the doll), but that crying does not start only when he’s present or only when he’s not. We want him to get used to it starting randomly and in many rooms of the house.  So sometimes you'll put the doll in the crib and then 5- 20 minutes later, slip in and turn on the CD. Sometimes you'll turn on the CD in the family room, the kitchen, your bedroom, etc. Bowser will hear the crying/cooing both from the room where it's emanating, but also through the baby monitors. Respond the way you would in the real world - let the baby ‘cry’ for a couple minutes, and then go in and "soothe" the doll, turning off the CD a moment or two after picking up baby.. Sometimes let the CD just play as the crying does stop eventually when the track ends. Make sure that Bowser sees you interacting with the doll while the crying continues because, no matter how much we love our babies, sometimes they will not take comfort for a while and continue to cry no matter what we try. We want Bowser to learn that you will be responsible for baby, you are not hurting baby even if the crying doesn’t stop, and that he does not need to be responsible for baby at all.

NOTE: Start with the volume low - low enough that Bowser does not seem to really show any interest in it other than perhaps glancing in the direction of the noise when it starts. Keep it at this volume for several days or even a couple weeks. When Bowser is completely comfortable and shows no interest at all in the CD, then nudge up the volume by just one level (e.g. from level 3 to level 4). Keep it at the new volume for several days to a week or more, until Bowser seems completely unperturbed by the crying and various noises. Build up slowly, just one level (or even a half level) at a time until you are playing the CD at full volume as this will be the most realistic volume of baby's cry.

Practice all aspects of baby's life. Practice sitting and rocking or ‘nursing’ baby and ask Bowser to hang out near by, so long as he's polite. Set some basic space boundaries such that when baby is in your arms, Bowser should be a polite 6-10 inches away at the nearest, unless you specifically invite him closer. If he's on the couch next to you, make sure he's respecting that space. If he's being polite and relaxed, you can reach over and pet him, but DON'T LET HIM CLIMB IN YOUR LAP WHEN BABY IS IN YOUR ARMS.

Practice changing diapers (you can take off and put on the same diaper to save them before the real thing) so that Bowser can see the process. If you want to make a rule that Bowser isn't allowed in the nursery, practice having him do a Stay just outside the door. This will probably take two of you so one can "change the baby" while the other is praising/treating or correcting Bowser (correction involves a verbal "not it" and encouraging him back to the appropriate location, offering treats and verbal praise when he respects the boundary).

Practice putting baby in the stroller or car seat. Practice going for walks with baby and Bowser. Put the doll in the stroller and take Bowser for a walk. If people ask why you're walking with a baby doll in a stroller, you can proudly tell them that you're helping Bowser to get ready for his roll as ‘big brother’ and you want to make sure he's prepared to join you on your walks because you don’t want him to be left out. Make sure that you DO NOT put the leash on the handle of the stroller. Safety first, after all. If Bowser spots a squirrel across the street and is compelled to give chase, you do not want him dragging the stroller (falling on its side, no doubt) behind him. Make sure that you are holding the leash in your hand. In the end, as scary as it sounds, it's better to let go of Bowser's leash and deal with the consequences of his running off than risk the safety of your baby or yourself.

The key to all the prep is taking the time to practice all of the activities that will occur regularly. Give Bowser as much opportunity as possible to watch and be part of, always encouraging and praising calm behavior and gently setting boundaries so that he learns early that he's not allowed to lay on the blanket on the floor, he's not allowed to play with the bottles, teething rings, stuffed animals, etc. Make sure that when you have these things out, you make a point of loving him, praising him, playing with him with his own toys, offering treats and generally just making his whole experience pleasant.

Also, practice Bowser’s activities with baby present. Hold the baby doll, or place it in a high chair while you feed Bowser (infants and children should NEVER be moving around a room when the dog is eating, no matter what). Have baby in the bassinet or in the arms of one parent while the other is playing with Bowser or training with Bowser all in the same room. Go for car rides with baby doll in the car seat and Bowser where he will sit. If Bowser has always been in the back seat, you will need to shift him to the front seat, or if you have a station wagon or SUV, you’ll need to shift him to the “way back” and put a barrier up so he can’t jump over the seat.

ULTIMATE GOAL

Our ultimate goal is to include Bowser in as much of baby’s life as possible. We want him to be calm and relaxed. We want to encourage quiet curiosity and interaction. It’s OK to let Bowser sniff the feet or bottom of baby doll. It’s OK to let him do this with the real thing as well, so long as it’s supervised. It’s OK to let him lick feet and hands, but discourage face licking by putting your hand between his face and baby’s and moving baby a bit further away.

If you are holding baby (the doll or the real thing) and Bowser is being too rambunctious or invading your personal space too much, you can turn your back or stand up and turn your back so that you are protecting baby and, with your body language, telling Bowser that you don’t like his current behavior. Once he settles, you can face him again and encourage calmer interaction.

There is a learning curve here and it will take time and practice for Bowser to learn what’s allowed and what’s polite. Babies are curious creatures with loads of interesting smells and worthy of much investigation. Some dogs fall immediately into a friend roll, some discover their inner caretaker and are extremely gentle and protective of baby. Other dogs are wary and become stressed by this strange little being that has moved in and taken over. No matter how much prep you do with Bowser, you will not really know how he’ll respond until the real baby is home and the actual routines begin to develop. By exposing him to everything ‘baby’ ahead of time, you can dramatically lower his level of stress because then it’s just the baby that’s new, but not all the noises, smells, gadgets, routines, etc.

HE MAY STILL BE STRESSED

Be prepared that Bowser may still “freak out” a bit when baby comes home from the hospital. This is normal. Everyone will be exhausted and there will be loads of people streaming in and out to meet the newest family member. Hormones will be raging from birth and nursing. Dad’s hormones may also be increased as his paternal instincts kick in, which means that Mom and Dad don’t smell quite right… Don’t force Bowser to be in the room with baby. If he chooses to leave the room, that’s OK. If he gets up and leaves every time baby cries, let him. He’s getting out of the way and giving you a chance to take care of it. If he comes from another room to see what’s going on, that’s OK too, just don’t allow him to get in the way of your tending to baby. Be gentle with Bowser, guiding him to appropriate behavior – don’t punish him if he gets too close or takes a baby toy. Simply redirect him and praise him for better choices. If we punish him or constantly exclude him, he will begin to resent baby and see baby’s presence as a cue that he will get punished. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Also, and this is important (thanks for hangin’ in ‘till the end) – as you practice all the baby activities, you will need to wean down the amount of direct attention that Bowser gets. He can still be in the room, but if he is used to being on your lap or snuggled right up to you from 8-11 every night as you watch TV, you will need to help him learn that he can be in the room still, but perhaps on the cushion next to you, or on the floor at your feet. This is a crucial part of the practice. If he continues to get all the attention he’s ever gotten and then baby comes home and you don’t interact with him (other than feeding and potty time) for a week, he will feel that. So, begin to spend less and less time offering him direct attention. You can cut it down by just 15 minutes every few days so that by the time baby comes, he’s only getting perhaps 50% of the physical love and cuddle time he was getting. This will go a long way toward smoothing out that transition.

In short, you want to set Bowser up for success so that he can be part of baby's life as much as possible. So practice every aspect that you can in the weeks or months prior to baby’s arrival. You still won’t know exactly how he’ll respond to this change, but at least you will be confident that he was exposed to most of the baby stuff early and is at least somewhat familiar with it so it's not all totally new and sudden.

Once baby does arrive, make sure that there is quality time set aside for Bowser. Make sure that each human spends at least 10 minutes per day alone with Bowser, loving him, playing with him, taking him for a private walk or a game in the back yard - without baby. Just as if Bowser were a human boy, you want to take the time to reassure him that he's not being kicked out nor is he loved any less just because there's a new member to the family. So, it may be that one day Dad takes Bowser for romp while Mom is home with baby and the next day Mom takes Bowser for a long walk while Dad is home with the baby. Just make sure that even though there is less time overall with Bowser, there is still designated quality time that is just for Bowser as well.

RECOMMENDED READING

I HIGHLY recommend the book On Talking Terms with Dogs – Calming Signals, by Turid Rugaas.

http://www.dogwise.com/ItemDetails.cfm?ID=DTB527&AffiliateID=47239&Method=3

For those that like a visual lesson, you can also buy the book with a DVD that shows the signals and includes explanations and examples of how human body language directly affects the emotional state of the dog in question. 

http://www.dogwise.com/itemdetails.cfm?ID=A251

It’s a thin book and it describes many very subtle cues that dogs give when they are nervous/ anxious/ fearful and trying to calm themselves or others or defuse what they perceive as building tension in an effort to avoid conflict. I encourage about-to-be parents to read this book so that they can watch Bowser and be aware when his subtle body language is saying he’s uncertain or uncomfortable. If you know how to read your dog, you can quickly adjust activity to help him feel more comfortable. And as infants become toddlers, they often invade the space of dogs and this can be very unpleasant for the dog. If you’re lucky the dog will give off signals that you can read allowing you to support Bowser by moving baby away. If you’re not so lucky, disaster can happen.

SAFETY FIRST (REPEATED FOR EMPHASIS)

My final disclaimer: IT IS NEVER OK TO LEAVE A DOG AND A CHILD UNATTENDED TOGETHER. EVER. CHILDREN ACT IN SPONTANEOUS AND SPORATIC WAYS, THEY HAVE NO SENSE OF BOUNDARIES; THEY MAKE NOISES AND GRAB HOLD OF BODY PARTS, OFTEN PULLING RATHER HARD. IF AN ADULT IS NOT AROUND TO HELP THE CHILD LEARN APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR WITH THE DOG, OR TO HELP THE DOG FEEL SAFE AND SECURE, WE ARE SETTING THE STAGE FOR BITES WHICH CAN BE SEVERE. SO, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE OR TRUST THE DOG, NEVER LEAVE THE DOG ALONE WITH A CHILD BECAUSE WE CANNOT TRUST THE CHILD TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO BEHAVE.